Despedidos

Nica 47 TEFL has officially lost its first person to a medical separation (holla, Ryan! Aka Gimpy McOwmyarmhurtspassmeanothertoña), and Nica 47 in general has had its first ET (Early Termination – shout out to David, we were once mistaken for the married couple by PC staff one of the first days of training in Managua). And just today an email went out from another business volunteer announcing her imminent departure (I don't think Kristen reads this, but in case she finds it in the future, heya chica!). It's hard to have people leave, but I cannot pretend like the idea of saying “Adios!” to Nicaragua has not crossed my mind, possibly even daily since I got to my site.

I was discussing my own motivational failings with my brother via email, and he brought up a good point: “The annoying thing about life, I think, is how we're trained to think we need to plan everything out ahead of time and then go and do it, when really it seems like more of a back-and-forth process of "Hmm, what do I want to do? Well, I have some vague ideas..." then "Oh look! An opportunity that might allow me to pursue those ideas!" then maybe "Hmm this experience is not as satisfying as I'd hoped... what do I really want?" "Oh maybe this is the chance!" etc...”

I think a challenge that is not unique to Peace Corps but is present in everyone's lives is deciding when something just isn't working, whether it's a relationship or a job or school or anything. Rarely do opportunities come along that are 100% what we want to be doing and so indecision or the refusal to address an issue keeps us stubbornly banging our heads against a wall, literally or figuratively. One of the questions I ask myself a lot if I´m having an extended bad time is “How will I tell when this changes from being challenging-good to being challenging-bad? How do I know when it stops being worth it?” Even though I'm disappointed to say goodbye to fellow volunteers, I also respect the fact that they were able to look at their situation and say “Not for me! Next?”

Definitely do not take this as a precursor to my own Early Termination, because I'm nowhere near that point yet. The first three months in-site are supposed to be the hardest, and even though I have bad days when all I want is to be baking cookies with my girlfriends in DC or BBQing with my college friends, I also have plenty of good days. I was just laying in bed last night thinking about all of this and just had to share :)